Bachelor Monday is here! The White Zinfandel of television! Has it really been seven days since we’ve watched America’s best and brightest poker dealers, fitness models and bridal stylists?
Date 1: Beltway Broad Breaks Record
Lesley, the political consultant, scores the first date with Bachelor Sean. I’m sure Lesley was psyched she chose the shortest, laciest and sluttiest dress the Bachelor stylist had on the rolling rack for her trip to the Guinness Book of World Records Museum. Yawn. Sean’s dad broke a boring record. Blah. People are tall. People are fat. Blah.
Sean brings Lesley through a trap door and they suddenly arrive at a sideshow on Sunset Boulevard – and they’re the stars. The Bachelor producers gathered about thirteen of fourteen lowlifes and a few museum cleaning people to serve as the “crowd” to watch them break the record for “longest on-screen kiss.” Mid-kiss a couple of creeps in the crowd got horny watching. They broke the record and somewhere, a man-elf yelled, “Congratulations! World's longest on-screen kiss! Great job, everybody! It's great to be here.”
After the 3 ½ minute kiss, Sean and Les drank champagne and confetti fell from the sky as they broke the record for Bachelor’s cheesiest date.
Group Date: Who’s going to win my heart?
Sean does his best Steve Sanders impression and the girls meet at the beach in front of Kelly and Donna’s Venice Beach apartment to toss Frisbees and do cartwheels in the sand. Sean impresses the girls by doing beach push-ups. Spuds Mackenzie cracks a beer. Then, out of nowhere, Chris Harrison wakes up on a nearby beach towel from his all-night binge. Unshaven and in his crumpled clothes from the night before, Chris approaches the Body Glove party and slurs some nonsense about a volleyball game they have to play against each other. Losers will have zero QT with Sean and be banished back to the mansion for the evening.
For the amount of fitness instructors and six packs abs in the crowd, there was a real void of athletic ability or ponytail holders on the court. Sadly, someone had to win. Four hours later, Desiree’s team managed to put 20 points on the board. The losing gals did not take it well; Leslie H. could not keep a poker face and literally bawled her eyes out.
I’m sorry, but creepy Amanda is not a fitness model. She looks like she should be sitting on a beach boardwalk strumming a guitar singing, “What if god was one of us? Just a slob like one of us?”
Kacie B., who looks like she has a severe case of Pinkeye, takes Sean aside to spew some verbal diarrhea about some petty girl argument going on in the house. Sean is not into her girl drama. Not looking good for Kacie.
Date 3: Talkin’ Adoption with Ashlee
But, first, all the king’s horses and all the king’s men ran to see Humpty Dumpty fall down the stairs. Tierra, this season’s Blakely, faked a fall to get some attention from Sean. Tierra’s a master at these kinds of hoaxes. When she was little, her dad would make her order filet mignon and put a piece of her own hair onto the dish to get the meal for free.
Finally, OCD Ashlee gets her private date and Sean brings her to an abandoned Six Flags and tells her she’s going to have to share her date. Well, Ash looks like she’s about to shit a brick when she finds this out. Obviously, she is guilt ridden and embarrassed inside when she realizes she’s making two chronically ill teenagers who also happen to be long lost best friends dream’s come true. Jesus, can’t they warn us about this tear-jerking stuff in the previews?
Post amusement park, the pair gets emotional as Ash shares her life story. I gotta say, Ashlee’s has a pretty inspiring story, but I’m just not feeling her. That shiz got a little too real for the first date.
These are legit the worst cocktail parties ever. So uncomfortable. Before the official rose ceremony starts, Sean throws Kacie into the back of a limo speeding fast into the friend zone.
Taryn, the health club manager and Kristy, a girl we haven't seen for a few episodes, are sent home roseless and alone.