Bachelor Monday is here! The
White Zinfandel of television! Has it really been seven days since we’ve
watched America’s best and brightest poker dealers, fitness models and bridal
stylists?
Date 1: Beltway Broad Breaks Record
Lesley, the political consultant,
scores the first date with Bachelor Sean. I’m sure Lesley was psyched she chose
the shortest, laciest and sluttiest dress the Bachelor stylist had on the
rolling rack for her trip to the Guinness Book of World Records Museum. Yawn.
Sean’s dad broke a boring record. Blah. People are tall. People are fat. Blah.
Sean brings Lesley through a
trap door and they suddenly arrive at a sideshow on Sunset Boulevard – and
they’re the stars. The Bachelor
producers gathered about thirteen of fourteen lowlifes and a few museum
cleaning people to serve as the “crowd” to watch them break the record for “longest
on-screen kiss.” Mid-kiss a couple of creeps in the crowd got horny watching. They broke the record and somewhere, a man-elf
yelled, “Congratulations! World's longest on-screen kiss! Great job, everybody! It's great to
be here.”
After the 3 ½ minute kiss,
Sean and Les drank champagne and confetti fell from the sky as they broke the
record for Bachelor’s cheesiest date.
Group Date:
Who’s going to win my heart?
Sean does his best Steve
Sanders impression and the girls meet at the beach in front of Kelly and
Donna’s Venice Beach apartment to toss Frisbees and do cartwheels in the sand. Sean impresses the girls by doing beach
push-ups. Spuds Mackenzie cracks a beer. Then, out of nowhere, Chris Harrison
wakes up on a nearby beach towel from his all-night binge. Unshaven and in his crumpled clothes from the
night before, Chris approaches the Body Glove party and slurs some nonsense about
a volleyball game they have to play against each other. Losers will have zero QT with Sean and be
banished back to the mansion for the evening.
For the amount of fitness
instructors and six packs abs in the crowd, there was a real void of athletic
ability or ponytail holders on the court.
Sadly, someone had to win. Four
hours later, Desiree’s team managed to put 20 points on the board. The losing gals did not take it well; Leslie
H. could not keep a poker face and literally bawled her eyes out.
I’m sorry, but creepy Amanda
is not a fitness model. She looks like she should be sitting on a beach
boardwalk strumming a guitar singing, “What if god was one of us? Just a slob
like one of us?”
Kacie B., who looks like she
has a severe case of Pinkeye, takes Sean aside to spew some verbal diarrhea
about some petty girl argument going on in the house. Sean is not into her girl drama. Not looking
good for Kacie.
Date 3: Talkin’ Adoption with Ashlee
But, first, all the king’s
horses and all the king’s men ran to see Humpty Dumpty fall down the
stairs. Tierra, this season’s Blakely,
faked a fall to get some attention from Sean.
Tierra’s a master at these kinds of hoaxes. When she was little, her dad
would make her order filet mignon and put a piece of her own hair onto the dish
to get the meal for free.
Finally, OCD Ashlee gets her
private date and Sean brings her to an abandoned Six Flags and tells her she’s
going to have to share her date. Well, Ash
looks like she’s about to shit a brick when she finds this out. Obviously, she is guilt ridden and embarrassed
inside when she realizes she’s making two chronically ill teenagers who also
happen to be long lost best friends dream’s come true. Jesus, can’t they warn us about this
tear-jerking stuff in the previews?
Post amusement park, the pair gets emotional as Ash shares her life story. I gotta say, Ashlee’s has a pretty inspiring
story, but I’m just not feeling her. That shiz got a little too real for the
first date.
These are legit the worst cocktail parties ever. So uncomfortable. Before the official rose ceremony starts, Sean throws Kacie into the back of a limo speeding fast into the friend zone.
Taryn, the health club manager and Kristy, a girl we haven't seen for a few episodes, are sent home roseless and alone.
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