Blogging the Bachelor: Fornicating in the Fantasy Suite with Abandoned Ashlee

We’re having S-E-X in Southeast Asia folks! Its Fantasy Suites go to Thailand!

Sean is so“frickin crazy” about all three of these women! What is he going to do?  Well, he’s going to do what every Bachelor does on the second to last episode of this mind numbing show – he’s going to try to take them for a test drive – and pretend that he’s not.

Sexual Predictions: Catherine’s biggest goal in life is being in love, so I’m fairly certain she’ll sleep with him on the date.  AshLee is batshit crazy, so she’ll definitely sleep with him! But I’m sure she’ll pretend that she won’t at first.  Girl has probably had her Victoria’s Secret fantasy suite lingerie outfit planned out since 2011 and she brought a Sade mix CD to play while they do the deed.  After the deed is done, she’ll have a post-coital cry about her daddy issues and then carve a roast chicken.  And…drunk Lindsay will sleep with him, because she’s drunk Lindsay. 

Overnight #1: Before the big overnight date, Sean decides to bring Linds food tasting in Thailand.  That sounds like a great idea.  I’m sure she’s looking forward to spending her night in the Fantasy Suite bathroom.  They ate bugs together and then made out on the beach and tried not to make each other cry.  I was trying not to cry out of boredom until they fed monkeys and risked contracting diseases different from the diseases they’ll be contracting later in the evening.

Next, they head to Attleboro’s La Salette shrine to watch the “It’s a Small World” light show for yet another picnic.  In the midst of Linds trying to drop the “L” bomb a live musical performance begins before their very eyes. Instead of paying them $10 to go away, Sean hornily asks if she’ll dance sexy like that later.  Unfortunately, we never get to see Lindsay’s “traditional Thai dance” but we had to watch her say “I love you” on the futon. 

Overnight #2:  Abandoned AshLee, my least favorite contestant, appears to be wearing a gold-plated necklace that spells out “Respect” – I’m sure this is to mislead America about her intentions in the bedroom later.  If she says “fear of abandonment” one more time I’m turning off the TV.  So they swim under a cave, she freaks out the entire time and they finally find the light at the end of the tunnel.  It kind of reminded me of the time I went to the Blue Grotto in Italy and a Chinese family puked over the side of the small boat we were waiting in for 3 hours in the blistering Italian sun.  

Sean tells Ashlee that he just wants to “talk” in the Fantasy Suites and not do the other things that America thinks he might be interested in doing with her. As she packs up her bag of dominatrix toys she bought on the internets to make sure Sean is hers forever, AshLee pretends like she’s going to say no to the Fantasy Suite.  Obviously, she goes, because she a dirty whore with daddy issues.

Overnight #3:  Catherine and Sean start the date by sailing the seas on a giant red sailboat.  Uh-oh Lindsay, Catherine is the new best friend – cuz she’s such a free spirit! Why is she a free spirit again? Because she skips and laughs sometimes? I’ve been known to throw a perfect cartwheel every now and again, but no one’s ever called me laid back and cool. 

On the boat, Sean looks like he wants to runaway because Catherine seems like she’s actually telling a genuine logical story about her life.  Skip to a really steamy hot kiss in the rain – wow, it actually seemed somewhat passionate.  Catherine played this big innocent game with the Fantasy Suite invite.  Let me tell you something, if it looks like a duck and talks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.  Catherine is not exactly Connecticut Catholic.  However, she did use the word "visceral" which is kind of surprising for a Bachelor contestant. Because of her vocabulary alone, I'm voting for Catherine. 

Video Segment:  This crap is bunk.  Instead of talking about these insipid wannabe debutante's pathetic video messages, I'd like to give you my own section called, "Texts Received During the Show." In this segment, I'll show you texts I received during the show.

Here we go:

"I'd be in the bathroom the entire rest of the date eating at that market."

"Dark Cave? Eff that, bring on the bugs."

"Catherine is fat."

"Did AshLee have her hairline moved forward to make her forehead appear smaller?"

"Did you catch the part where Sean was describing 3 things about Linds and then he said 'you have both' !"


Sending Home a Strumpet:

Sean's sending home the crazy! Guess AshLee's bag of tricks didn't do her any good in the sack.  She appears to be sad, but her plastic surgeon deserves a raise. RESPECT.